Serenity Now!

This hilarious title of Seinfeld’s 159th episode hits me between the eyes, on days like today. In his garage office, Frank Costanza has pitted his own employee-son against a high school rival, to produce the ultimate telemarketing enterprise. As he revels in the chaos he’s created, Frank’s wife Estele grouses about the space his home business takes up. Throwing his hands up each time other characters bump up against his plans, he fires off, “Serenity NOW!!!” on the advice of his cassette tape guru. The phrase does little to keep his anger from boiling over, partly because he says it so angrily. He begins to misgive toward the end–he can tell it’s not really working, but the last thing he’ll do is admit it. With everyone else around him still a hot mess, Frank pretends he can remain above the fray using these magic words.

Sometimes, this is also my unspoken prayer: “Serenity Now!” I wonder if saying it aloud would help me to see the humor in it–the sheer absurdity of my wishful thinking? Like Frank, I am susceptible to playing self-help scripts that promise quick, effective life-hacks that will transform my frustration into pure joy and goodness, presto! I might actually start a practice of throwing my arms in the air as Frank did, but instead laughing heartily at myself: there I go again! My anger often feels so important and adult, but the “serenity now” mantra is infantile thinking. Its thinly disguised impatience tips me off to the presence of false peace. Perhaps if I am looking forward to a good laugh with myself, I’ll be apt to spot it sooner?

Relationship is a labor of love.

Anger flash points still sneak up on me, but often leave a trail of clues throughout my body. In recent years, I’ve to notice my body keeping the score even when my mind is dismissive: the wrenched gut, tight chest and shortness of breath. Anger resists being “talked out,” and should instead be exercised. Serenity may be ultimate the goal, but sometimes sometimes alert and aware will have to do in the moment. St. James the Just gives insight as to why these frictions can go deeper than our use of reason:

“What causes quarrels and fights among you?

 Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?”

– attributed to St. James the Just, the book of James chapter 4, verse 1

My passions are at war within me, yes. I’d like a hot dinner in a clean kitchen, preferably after an hour of reading in the hammock. My children would like me to be Mary Poppins when helping with schoolwork, knowing exactly when and how to whimsically turn the lesson upside down. My husband would like a steamy romantic escapade, followed by an early bedtime. Why should all of these good things conspire to push us into conflict with one another? Perhaps because we insist on “serenity now” instead of “serenity soon.” A deep fear of wasted time and opportunity can lead me, paradoxically, to waste both prizes. In the Army, they taught us “slow is smooth, and smooth is fast” when it comes to combat drills. How quickly I forget this in the non-urgent, daily grind of folding laundry and loading in and out of the vehicles!

I treasure the childish admission of Frank’s “serenity now” prayer of exasperation. It speaks to the childlike places in me, that would like to balance hope with reasonable expectations. Solemn joy does this for us. Not to be confused with happiness, joy often thrives outside of wish fulfilment. Yet, it does not content itself with non-mastery. Joy leans forward expectantly, serious in its pursuit of dearly held values. With solemnity and intention, it keeps the lamps burning. Joy keeps watch, remembering that when serenity is elusive, there is still work to be done.